Lets just admit it, you guys.  Professional bowling is hilarious.  You probably do not need proof of this, but for those of you who are still on the fence, please allow me to offer the following clip:



Let's dissect this a little further.

First of all, this is a contest between a guy named Randy and a guy named Ernie.  Who cares what they are doing - it's already funny.  The bowling specific vernacular gets a chuckle out of me too.  "The solid 8!" 

And of course, I am absolutey blown away by what Ernie is yelling during his hilariously ecstatic victory lap.  "For the old people!"  Seems like an odd thing to yell.  Then he's like, "I am the greatest!  Muhammad Ali!"  Uh... not quite, Ernie  You're a bowler.  Also notice that as Ernie is oddly dedicating his victory to old people in general and no one specific old person, then comparing himself to the most influential heavyweight champion of all time, Randy has literally gotten into the fetal position.

Finally, the announcer audibly hopes Ernie does not have a heart attack.  I guess bowlers are slightly less conditioned than boxers - though its hard to tell through the thick haze of awesome cast by Ernie's mustache and glasses.

Dick Joke

Yesterday, on my Twitter account, I was able to throw in a dick joke in a conversation with porn star Brooke Haven.

Check it out.

See, first she tweeted at me because Lexi was blow drying her hair

Then I was all like, "That's all she ever blows"

Woah,  Zinger!

I understand that isn't the greatest zinger you're going to hear today, but still, I was happy to make a joke about BJ's to a person who is famous for doing it.  And, as it turns out, Brooke is really a super sweet lady.  We're totally homies now.

I know it's not much, but for me, that's taking a dick joke to pretty decent heights.  It's nothing though, compared to This guy, who was able to draw a dick on Jeopardy where you're supposed to write your name.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

In your fucking face, Trebek.

More on the "Tits Rule" philosophy

Hello loyal readers.  There are so many of you out there, that I was completely overrun by emails and letters after posting about Tanja Kiewitz.  Mostly because of the Tanja driven philosophy that tits cure everything, and they totally rule.  I think I owe you an explanation.

Trust me guys, I know that it's a theory that is hard for most Americans to grasp, because here in America, we never would use a great pair of knockers as a marketing tool.  We'd never elevate an otherwise untalented or banal personality to any level of fame or notoriety because of an incredible rack.  We'd never lavish extra attention upon a coworker or classmate simply because her thick sweater is no match for determined nipples, set artfully atop her cantaloupes and pointing defiantly toward heaven like a beacon of hope for all mankind.  Those things are hard for Americans to understand.

However, in response to all the email and attention I have unknowingly generated by the unique philosophy of "Tits Rule", I GIVE YOU THIS!

That's right, according to this article, there is a very good chance that it will be BOOBS that are the new and necessary component to regenerating tissue and limbs through stem cells.  It seems that in the future, tits could literally save lives.

So ladies, now you understand that when my fellow man compliments your amazing rack, he doesn't mean to be crude or crass.  He is not a chauvinist or an inconsiderate pig.  He's only trying to thank you for keeping human kind safe, and furthering our knowledge on regenerating vital tissues and one day organs - even limbs.  He is only trying to say that he is overwhelmed with a deep and genuine gratitude to you, for giving so much by having awesome tits.

Townes

A little Townes Van Zandt for your listening pleasure:



Big blonde mama in apartment 213 who moves like a cobra snake and treats you like a king?  I think I know her, Townse.  I'm pretty sure I do.

Also, you might know this one - but it don't make no nevermind.  Its awesome:



Now go out there and experience more Townse for yourself.  Thank me later.

Crippling Hotness

I've long maintained that people with hooks for hands never get a fair shake. Ha! Fair shake! Look you guys! A pun!

Seriously though. Hollywood especially mistreats those with hooks. I've said it before, but you've never seen a guy with a hook playing a kindergarten teacher, have you? No. They are always villains.

Well, thanks to Tanja Kiewitz, all that is about to change. Check this out.

Holy mother of god!  If it was still 1992, I might say "you go girl" here, but it isn't, so I won't, but it is kind of what I am thinking.

This also brings up a couple of other points.  First, that the greatest middle finger of all is the one that isn't there.  I mean come on, who among us cannot see the giant middle finger that is her left arm?  And what a middle finger it is!  One of the greatest ever?  It's arguable.

Secondly though, this brings up the point that tits cure everything.  Is there no limit to the power of great titties?  I say NO!  For god's sake, man here is evidence on one woman's fantastic boobs virtually negating her disability for one brief moment, and then raising a shit load of money in the cause of helping other disabled people with (I'm assuming) slightly less awesome racks.

Thank you boobs.  And thank you especially to hot ass Tanja's boobs.

And Tanja, since you're undoubtedly reading this - call me?  *does the thumb and pinky phone to ear*

The Rent Is Too Damn High

Here in California, the two big gubernatorial candidates are "Nut" Meg Whitman and crazy old Jerry Brown.  My vote will go to Brown.  This is all very uninteresting.  I wish we had a candidate like Jimmy McMilan in NY:



The Rent is Too Damn High Party!

I know that Jimmy's animated demeanor and his incredible facial hair artistry makes him seem like he's not that serious, but I must say, the rent is too goddamn high, and somebody should let these douche bag politicians know that shit.

I support Jimmy and his cause and I am glad that guys like this occasionally pop up in American politics.  It reminds me that there is still hope for the system.  That if you feel strongly enough about something, you can still get out there and make noise and you may even might even be heard.

Thank you Mr. McMilan.  If your campaign needs a Secretary Of Awesome Beards, call me.

No dumb cunts

Welp, looks like I'm going to try to wrap things up and then fire my only client today.

I've been trying to work independently for a while now, and it hasn't been going so well.  I mean, it's been going ok, but not great.  Now, I'm going to have to fire my first and really my only client.  Because she is a bitch, and frankly, I'd rather not work with people like her, ever.  And, having control of the business, I think I won't.  Of course, that means I'll have no more money coming in and will have to start all over, but so be it.  I learned a valuable lesson from this:  If you think someone is a dumb cunt, they probably are, and if you can help it, don't deal with them.

So there.  My new plan is to set out on a path of avoiding dumb cunts.  It's lofty and honorable, I know, but at this point, I have nothing to lose.  Excelsior, dumb cunts be damned!

Also, I thought this was pretty cool:



Stephen Fry, it seems, is not a dumb cunt.